Depreciated Value
by Nymbis
Summary: Kakuzu tackles Ninjanomics. Because belonging to a group of S classed criminals is hard, but being their financial planner is even harder. Crack fic.


_Depreciated Value_

**AN: **Just a vicious plot bunny (nasty teeth) that wouldn't leave me alone inspired by one of those _Ask a Ninja _shorts : ) hope you like it.

The shadowed figure stood glowering in the corner of the darkened room as he stared down the shinobi that was leaning casually against the wall, reading glasses resting on the bridge of his covered nose and fingers spastically clenching around a few ledgers. His dashed Waterfall hitae glistened in the darkness.

"What was it that you wished to speak to me about, Kakuzu?" Came the distorted voice of the figure, eyes staring out into the distance.

The man sighed, "We have a serious problem Leader-sama," he muttered darkly, standing up straighter.

Leader was silent, pressing him to elaborate in that unnervingly passive-aggressive manner of his.

"Our budget is simply not going to cut it for the next financial quarter," Kakuzu said matter-of-factly, "The current market price for shuriken is rising exponentially and with what little income we have managed to stabilize, well, it goes without saying that there are going to be severe cutbacks in the future."

The Leader blinked.

Kakuzu cleared his throat, "That's not even including the fixed amounts for rent. It seems a bit extravagant to pay for several bases when we don't even use one full year." He paused, an awkward chuckle coming from behind his mask, "You could say that the costs for maintaining a shinobi organization are _murder._" He waited patiently for the pun to sink in.

Leader continued to stare.

Kakuzu realized the Leader had no appreciation for clever word play, so he pressed forward, "Since chasing after demons of various tail numbers isn't exactly a reliable source of revenue, I propose that bounty hunting and freelance missions become mandatory for all Akatsuki members."

Leader blinked again. Twice in a row.

"I've compiled a list of expenses that each member has incurred," Kakuzu pressed, opening a general ledger, "Mending for these cloaks alone is a huge incursion of debt on a monthly basis. That and all of the food ingested, weapons purchased, property liability…we're going to end up with debt over our heads."

Leader was silent, until, "…you don't like the cloaks?" There was a tint of danger in his tone as tension filled the area.

Kakuzu paused, proceeding carefully, "The cloaks are fine."

The tension vanished.

"So I was wondering what sort of budget reform suggestions you'd have?" Kakuzu concluded.

Leader was silent. Kakuzu began to wonder if he had actually asked him a question.

Finally, the Leader muttered, "Do as you wish." Before his holographic image flickered and receded.

Kakuzu waited until he was absolutely certain that the Leader's presence has faded, before his scholarly tone of voice was discarded. "Prick." He grumbled aloud to no one in particular.

* * *

"…and that's why you need to stop using so much kunai," Kakuzu wrapped up the speech he had just given Leader as he eyed the Akatsuki member across from him that had so far wasted the most money.

Uchiha Itachi stared at him flatly, posture straight and hands folded within the sleeves of his cloak.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, "I don't understand what's happened to your marksmanship, Uchiha. Your accuracy has decreased approximately three percent in the last year. What, are you going blind or something?"

There was a slight furrowing of Itachi's eyebrows.

Kakuzu lowered his head, feeling _slightly _ashamed, "You're right, that remark was uncalled for." He gestured to the general ledgers that were open on the table, "But you have to understand, you're squandering company money."

The eyebrows returned to their rightful place.

"Of course I'm not implying that you're a detriment to the organization, I'm just asking for a little fiscal responsibility," Kakuzu muttered in exasperation.

There was a pause, before Itachi blinked.

Kakuzu mulled this over. The Uchiha kid always drove a hard argument. Finally, he sighed, "I suppose that would be acceptable. You will use lesser quality to amend for the higher quantity." Quickly, Kakuzu did the figures in his head, "That would balance out the budget."

Itachi sighed.

"Yes, smartass, I do realize that attempting to create a stable budget for an organization like ours is nearly impossible and that to struggle against the inevitable outcome of insufficient funding is futile, but I'm doing the best that I can with what I've got," Kakuzu growled, not wanting to take lip from the Konoha nin.

His eyelids fluttered.

Kakuzu stood up, obviously irritated, "Fine. I _will _go talk to Kisame about the cutbacks." He declared, scooping up the ledgers with one clean sweep and storming out of the room.

Itachi watched him retreat, calmly taking a sip of tea.

* * *

"You came to talk to me about nail polish?" Kisame grunted in confusion, not quite sure he had heard the statement correctly.

Kakuzu nodded, "According to billing statements, you are the one who spends the most on the product."

"Of course I do, I've got bigger nails than the rest of them." Kisame explained plainly, "And I swim more."

"Large, aquatic features aside, the fact remains that your cosmetics are an unnecessary expenditure." He tried desperately to quell his rising temper.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" He protested.

"You could _not _wear the nail polish," Kakuzu supplied.

Kisame snorted, "That'd go over _real _well with Leader. He's still pissy from your cloak remark this morning."

The former Waterfall shinobi grit his teeth together rather violently, "I did not mock Leader's cloaks. They are _lovely _cloaks."

The shark man had now taken to removing the wax from his ears by using his pinkie finger with poise, "I'm not going to stop using it."

Kakuzu glared at him.

Kisame glared back.

Their hands strayed inside of their cloaks, pressure permeating the air. There was a brief pause, before Kisame saw something flicker in Kakuzu's eyes. In less than a second, their hands flung out of their cloaks-

"Paper." Kisame declared with confidence.

Kakuzu smirked, "Scissors."

He stared at the man's hand in shock, before growling, "Damn it!"

Kakuzu straightened his robe with an air of dignity, "From now on, you have to buy generic nail enamel." He ordered before strolling out of his quarters.

Kisame crossed his arms and sulked.

* * *

Zetsu stared at the man blankly, a tiny water mister in his hand as he looked up from his gardening, "You wish for me to stop burrowing into the ground?" His lighter side asked with an honest perplexity.

Kakuzu had finally tracked down Zetsu in the greenhouse, yes, the Akatsuki had a greenhouse, and he had just finished explaining the current financial crisis.

"You have to understand, Zetsu, that the constant disruption of terrain is going to lead to poor soil quality," Kakuzu elaborated.

Zetsu blinked, one eye at a time. Kakuzu found the process mildly disturbing, "Then how do you suggest I keep guard, Kakuzu-san?"

He sighed, "I don't know, but if the landscape is horrible, then the resale value of our hideout is going to plummet drastically."

"I find that the opportunity cost of my jutsu's effects on the ground are insignificant compared with the Akatsuki's overall secrecy," Zetsu rebutted while spraying a few geraniums.

Kakuzu fought desperately to repress the homicidal tendencies that were creeping up on him. After all, Zetsu wasn't immortal and a cleaver through his skull would result in more spending to pay for a new Akatsuki uniform.

"We're losing a lot of money by constantly having to relocate," Kakuzu reasoned, "If we could resell some of our former bases, then the dent in the budget wouldn't be as extreme."

Zetsu was silent, the only sound being the gentle 'fwish' as he gently misted the plants.

Kakuzu could see that this was a losing battle, so he decided to switch tactics, flipping open a ledger, "You also seem to spend a higher amount of money on food-"

"_**I'm eating for two," **_hissed the darker side malevolently.

Kakuzu felt himself pale slightly. He'd be hard pressed to admit it, but Zetsu made him uneasy. The ledger snapped shut in his hands. "That's fair." He said with a bit more squeak in his tone than he was comfortable with.

* * *

"No," Deidara said bluntly, as he continued with his target practice, not even turning around to face Kakuzu. Tobi sat cross-legged to the side as he observed.

"It's just dirt! Dirt, Deidara! The shit that's all over the ground!" Snarled Kakuzu, frustrated, "There's no need for you to go out and buy it!" He flipped open a ledger, scanning the statements, "And you try to pass it off as a work expenditure?!"

"It is not _dirt, _it's clay, un!" Cried Deidara, a shuriken embedding itself roughly in the wooden target, "And I use it for my explosives."

Kakuzu continued reading, "There's no need to purchase," he scoffed, " 'mineral fortified sculpting clay' when you can blow shit up with regular dirt."

"Blow shit up?" Deidara questioned softly, his head lowered so his hair obscured his face even more. The shuriken in his hands cluttered to the ground, "Blow shit up!" He said louder.

Tobi gave a low whistle, "Deidara-senpai is maaadddd."

Kakuzu crossed his arms, fingers drumming over them expectantly.

"I am _not _blowing shit up, un!" Deidara yelled in disgust, "It's art! I create fleeting moments of perfection-"

Kakuzu waved a hand flippantly, "Art is a bang, we _know._" His eyebrow ticked, "All you're managing to do is explode the organization's nest egg with frivolous company spending."

Deidara's teeth, all three sets, grit together as a hand strayed towards his mineral fortified sculpting clay pouch. Kakuzu paid him no heed as he rubbed his temples and turned to face the demolitionist's partner.

"And you-" Kakuzu said accusingly, flipping to Tobi's section of the account. He paused, stared at the orange mask, blinked, and reread the section for good measure. "You haven't spent any company money?" He asked in disbelief, finger trailing down the blank sheet.

Tobi shrugged playfully.

"But, I mean, you've spent _nothing,_" Kakuzu reiterated, still not convinced, "How-?" He let it hang in the air, but the newest recruit was fast to respond.

"Tobi's a good boy who doesn't believe in the meaningless squandering of disposable income in order to achieve a comfortable lifestyle," he chirped off quickly.

Kakuzu could only stare at that imposing orange, swirling mask in barely concealed awe.

And then a tiny clay bird exploded near his ear, followed by a deranged, "I'll show you blowing shit up!" A pause, "Un!"

The general ledgers did not survive.

* * *

Kakuzu groaned as he leaned against the doorway for the final target of financial planning. Smoke was rising from his cloak due to Deidara's impromptu fireworks display, and he lamented having to spend more money on mending.

"Stupid cloaks," He muttered hatefully, brushing off a piece of smoking clay.

However, there was a tiny, glistening sheen of hope in the distance in that this was his last consultation. Steeling up his will, Kakuzu pried open the door, and he saw Hidan meditating in a circle of lit candles.

"Hidan, the amount of candle wax you consume for your religious ceremonies is taking a large chunk out of the collective income-"

"Go fuck yourself." Hidan muttered flatly, eyes still shut and not even acknowledging his partner's presence.

Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly. Before the count of ten, Kakuzu had whipped out a kunai and had applied enough force to cleanly decapitate the religious zealot.

"What the fuck was that for you bastard?" Screamed Hidan in a rather justified anger from the floor.

Kakuzu absently kicked the silver haired head, "I've had a rough day." He grunted out with finality.


End file.
